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Confused

it is sad. really sad. i am dazed, confused, and what not and i have cant tell anyone. the only person i could i am losing now. my mind can't take this anymore.

how am i supposed to be able to know aht to do? i am not god and god surely isnt giving me any huge signals. the choice being left to me is the biggest problem. i hate making choices. it is the most useless thing to do. an absolute waste of time. but then again it cannot be done without.

human relationships are so fragile. even more than this very perishable three and a half cubits. i am lost. i have lost. yet it is not my loss that worries me. i will live.

i cannot make choices for others. and my choices are to be respected and similarly so are theirs.

am i too practical for this world? lots of people have told me live for the moment. may be i spend too much time thinking that the actual needf for action just passes me by.

i am becoming irrelevant without ever having been relevant. obscurity is haunting me. the only thing i will be soon is an indecisive wreck.

my fault is i have a deep sense of conformism. though i display liberal views subconciously somewhere a fixed picture haunts me.

i dont want to speculate. especially on something so fragile as life. who where and what i am is so relative. more so valid in the structure of our societies. whether or not i care to abide by the rules, they will haunt me. maybe there are some elements in my upbringing that make me dependent on such useless things as rules.
may be i lack that individuality.

i feel useless. my life is tied up between what i want, what i dont, what i may want, what i may dont and what they want for me. it is the last three that bother me.

also the burden of approval from them of my actions. what use is that? yet can i renounce it? can i denounce it?

curse all.

Thoughts

is this all a game? or is it that my perception of the nature of this worldy life is so volatile that i cannot ground myself to the much touted realities of life. to deal with the burden of understanding this complex interplay of life's institutions is a challenge beyond comparison.

to each his madness. to me my thoughts. thoughts are the intangible treasure which shape and direct the action sought. but often they can be persistently misleading and baseless. this leads to an intensely anxious indecisive state at the crux of the moment when action is the need. sometimes these plaguing thoughts are the sole reason for lack of spontaneity. the thinking mind has become the bane of my existence.

time lost, cause lost, meaning lost.

envy do i those who can rest their minds in peace.
envy do i those quick in choice.
envy do i those who live here and now.

my inaction is of my own making.

i am the master of my choice yet a slave to its luxury.

i seek freedom from this bondage. if knowledge was to wash away the dark abyss of ignorance, it can also shroud the active mind into indecision. i seek the freedom from having to condone my thoughts and life to tailor the needs sought by others.

from a man of thought to a man of action.

Crossroads

pragmatism. practicability. foresight. probability. these are plain speculative tendencies of human behaviour. if life were a stock exchange then my life index is heading south and the bear is pulling me down with it. or may be the bull wasnt ever really there. i have come to lead my life on highly uncertain and empirical methods of speculation. once i begin to base my choices on these speculative tendencies, risks come into the equation. how now will you ascertain the risks for a still incomplete structure. i know not what i hold now and in the near future so it automatically makes it inconvenient for me to bear the responsibility of making predictions regarding my life let alone those of others.

as in a business, if i were to analyze my resources, my strengths, i have little practical knowledge of what they are worth in the real market place. i have no idea what my value is, no idea of the structure or course of action, the time factor, miniscule knowledge of the risks involved, and above all i am unsure of the result and its magnitude. thus i realise it was a fallible idea to start an enterprise, let alone put out on the market for investors. then we have the angel investors. i have had mine. the eventual venture capitalist who is willing to see you through the risks. but now conditions have it that after a failing idea and immense effort you are still the startup that sank.

this essentially can be extrapolated to a few ventures in my life, never yet in the realm of business. i have learnt as every entrepreneur the pitfalls and the agony of seeing an idea fail. yet it leaves me unfazed. i am not sure when the next vc will fund the next fledgling, but i am better prepared. it will certainly face similar uncertainties and may even fail but yet again i am willing to accept it.

Ignorance

the man, a little more than a slave
of senses, powers, desires to crave

the thought, a useless act
defeats not the fool, but the fact

the question, not yours to ask
for the knowing man, a tiresome task

the meaning, forever a distant dream
forever lost in the elusive gleam

the end, a timeless fruitless search
the eager quest to be left in lurch

JK

"Observation without evaluation is the highest form of intelligence."

something there got me thinking. there is nature in me which questions the nature around me. why? i find myself asking all to often. the anatomy of this inquiry probably is as deep as evolution of the human mind, if such a thing were to be agreed to exist, and sometimes is the principle on which all forms of thought is based. inquiry is the most consistent offering of the human race. irrespective of the environment you are in, it is a question you ask sooner or later.

it does sometimes help me to wonder where all this came from. and the beauty is that the mere act of wondering leads to inquiry. all seeds of thought can be traced to an act of inquisition. but since only a diamond cuts a diamond, it is inevitable for me to ask a few inquisitons.

it is very frequently that anyone asks the question where did all this come from and very similarly i do too. the unique qualities of the sorrounding, the self, the very act of observation are amazing.

uninitiated, it is helpful to start on a hypothesis to examine the entire premise. let us assume that there is one big truth. this truth that everyone seems to be running after shall be the explanation for everything. a grand unified theory of the existent and the non-existent, of all that be. then this truth should also offer the reason to why i am here writing this, whats making this computer the way it is, why if anyone is actually reading this.

now when i assume the possibility of such a truth, it leads me to wonder what follows knowing that truth. it sure can be agreed that such knowledge would obviate existential values like place, time or event. the future has no meaning nor does the past. there is no present. the material and immaterial are all derivatives of this truth. it would constitute everything.

now if such a truth were to exist. then my existence, the computer, some guy having sex in brazil and the thoughts in my head are all the same thing. this means we are all the same.

is there a possibility of knowing such a truth?

let us consider this example. a child asks his father why a balloon rises into the sky? the father replies that the balloon is lighter than air. why is the balloon lighter than air? it contains, say helium, which is a lighter gas and that which is lighter rises above the heavier. to a child this is incomprehensible unless he receives some more explanation regarding the nature of matter, density so on and so forth. all of a sudden with a few hours of some formal lecturing, the incomprehensible explanation is very much understood.

now to understand from the above example, only truth is the observation, the answers are relative. they are relative to the fathers knowledge, the knowledge of science as we know it. every man has observed and tried to reason, where the observation is an independent act while the reason is built on deductions. 5-2 = 3. a deduction can be made from only something that is known. how can 2 be removed if you do not where to remove it from. similarly, how can any deduction be true if the very truth is unknown. in making so called informed deductions, we base ourselves already on what we know and then reason out the most plausible theory to explain it. we did not know at the outset, we do not know when we theorize and finally we lead ourselves into an answer based on ignorance to be the explanantion. in science we create empirical situations to study and then support our explanations. in this whole process of understanding firstly what has remained true is the observation. secondly, all thought, understanding and deduction was based on preexistent knowledge.

you and i as we know it, have always been fed into our minds. in lighter matters it is often agreed that a fresh perspective is the key to solving a problem. but where is the problem and who has a fresh perspective? each one of us from the moment of ourbirth have been illusioned, conditioned, fed, groomed, taught all that is not ours. for example, a baby boy on an isolated island grows to play with a stone and learns that when he drops it it falls to the ground. observation. now what is to be seen would be whether the answer he finds to his problem is the theory of gravity.

how do you expect to find this truth unknown to you, anchoring yourself on a world of knowledge and experience of reality all of which are meaningless with your taught and conditioned perceptions. all these entrapments are the creation, reason and result of everyone around you, before you.

we all, each one of us, are trapped. we are trapped in a world where each discovery into ourselves is preconditioned by external influence. this conditioning will forever keep you in the dark about the underlying truth.

what if all was rejected in this search for true perception. you will have to unlearn what you know, what you think, what you are. from here to ignorance is a difficult jouney. it could be the key and yet it could be another beginning of falsehoods based on prior knowledge, experience.

what if one were to stop asking thinking reasoning?

i know none of this is my own. it is dangerously revealing. these thoughts are not my own nor are these words, nothing around me is my own. if there were such a truth we would all be the same. words, thoughts, lives, you and me. before will be after. there is nothing but the truth.

then if everything is the truth then there is no truth. the lie will be truth, the truth the lie. the assumption itself becomes the truth. our ignorance, deductions, our reasons will be truth. there will be no truth left to discover.

Illusioned

around and round, sense misleads you
the decadent confusion of this magic
its only chaos because you dont understand it
its random when your mind is closed
if you see what your eyes did
your illusion pales
to reveal what lies beneath
the secret reason of the beauty
the peace of truth