I broke up with my computer#@$%

whats funny is that these days anywhere you go the computer is always right. i know i once used to laugh at those old timers who would complain about computers and how they couldnt stand the button pushing. i also would defend computers with almost religious fanaticism and pride. yet these little or not so little number crunching, graphics spewing excuses for technology have done more than enough to let me down. they have devoured my patience, robbed me of my dignity and caused a good amount of material harm. all while just sitting innocously on a crowded desk.

my angst is fuelled by the recent spate of mishaps wherein my former best friend(the computer) would delete some important piece of information putting me at the mercy of whoever cares. well for example it was my internet account, with the ignorant bastard from sify(isp) telling me that they would not entertain my claims as it conflicted with those of his computer. a couple of more heated exchanges and i had the honour of a call centre employee tell me that the computer was always right and disconnect the call. i mean i got dissed by a cc employee.

adding to the many more such misfortunes, i am now caught with facebook. my account was nonexistent, overnight. vaporised! the facebook helpdesk had only one thing to give me, a detailed guide to re-registering with them. sweet!

there is a conspiracy. someone's watching.

Times Gone By

time seems to have a greater significance in my life than i ever imagined. i realise that everything i had ever done is gone and that much of what i wanted to do still remains to be done. life is rolling past me. it seems that i have been left in a void.

i have a very old trouble in life but something i have discovered only recently. i dont know. those three words are on the verge of ruining my life. i have found that this was the most convenient answer i was giving to all questions sometimes even without thought.

this is my status. i am in the ninth semester of medical college with practically four months left to train and venture into the lions mouth, the final year exams. well some part of me says they may be slightly overrated but a greater portion agrees with popular opinion that this might be the toughest of periods i would be enduring in these five years.

i am listening to atif aslam's yakeen. the opening lines take their toll.

i have often had these subconscious images stuck in my head. i can never really identify them, but certain objects, images, words, circumstances bring them out. they are so strong that the emotion is often overwhelming.

reading the book 1984 by george orwell. the man was sheer genius or more appropriately a prophet. a modern day prophet, to have sat back so many decades ago and to have identified this path of decadence that we seem to have so boldly endeared. we are not yet there. but the time is not far away when total downfall will be the only recognizable pattern left to human existence. and that this existence shall be plagued by ignorant grim futures is not an impossible idea. anything contrary would actually be surprising.

...

they are all that i have
all that i can give to you

they can inspire you
change your life

give you love and sorrow
steal from you your pain

show new worlds that you never knew
where moments last forever
yet, ages gone by in a wink

they are my weapons, my strength
they are my refuge

i am nothing
i have nothing
yet, these are my precious gifts.

words.

Send Me Email

Confused

it is sad. really sad. i am dazed, confused, and what not and i have cant tell anyone. the only person i could i am losing now. my mind can't take this anymore.

how am i supposed to be able to know aht to do? i am not god and god surely isnt giving me any huge signals. the choice being left to me is the biggest problem. i hate making choices. it is the most useless thing to do. an absolute waste of time. but then again it cannot be done without.

human relationships are so fragile. even more than this very perishable three and a half cubits. i am lost. i have lost. yet it is not my loss that worries me. i will live.

i cannot make choices for others. and my choices are to be respected and similarly so are theirs.

am i too practical for this world? lots of people have told me live for the moment. may be i spend too much time thinking that the actual needf for action just passes me by.

i am becoming irrelevant without ever having been relevant. obscurity is haunting me. the only thing i will be soon is an indecisive wreck.

my fault is i have a deep sense of conformism. though i display liberal views subconciously somewhere a fixed picture haunts me.

i dont want to speculate. especially on something so fragile as life. who where and what i am is so relative. more so valid in the structure of our societies. whether or not i care to abide by the rules, they will haunt me. maybe there are some elements in my upbringing that make me dependent on such useless things as rules.
may be i lack that individuality.

i feel useless. my life is tied up between what i want, what i dont, what i may want, what i may dont and what they want for me. it is the last three that bother me.

also the burden of approval from them of my actions. what use is that? yet can i renounce it? can i denounce it?

curse all.

Thoughts

is this all a game? or is it that my perception of the nature of this worldy life is so volatile that i cannot ground myself to the much touted realities of life. to deal with the burden of understanding this complex interplay of life's institutions is a challenge beyond comparison.

to each his madness. to me my thoughts. thoughts are the intangible treasure which shape and direct the action sought. but often they can be persistently misleading and baseless. this leads to an intensely anxious indecisive state at the crux of the moment when action is the need. sometimes these plaguing thoughts are the sole reason for lack of spontaneity. the thinking mind has become the bane of my existence.

time lost, cause lost, meaning lost.

envy do i those who can rest their minds in peace.
envy do i those quick in choice.
envy do i those who live here and now.

my inaction is of my own making.

i am the master of my choice yet a slave to its luxury.

i seek freedom from this bondage. if knowledge was to wash away the dark abyss of ignorance, it can also shroud the active mind into indecision. i seek the freedom from having to condone my thoughts and life to tailor the needs sought by others.

from a man of thought to a man of action.

Crossroads

pragmatism. practicability. foresight. probability. these are plain speculative tendencies of human behaviour. if life were a stock exchange then my life index is heading south and the bear is pulling me down with it. or may be the bull wasnt ever really there. i have come to lead my life on highly uncertain and empirical methods of speculation. once i begin to base my choices on these speculative tendencies, risks come into the equation. how now will you ascertain the risks for a still incomplete structure. i know not what i hold now and in the near future so it automatically makes it inconvenient for me to bear the responsibility of making predictions regarding my life let alone those of others.

as in a business, if i were to analyze my resources, my strengths, i have little practical knowledge of what they are worth in the real market place. i have no idea what my value is, no idea of the structure or course of action, the time factor, miniscule knowledge of the risks involved, and above all i am unsure of the result and its magnitude. thus i realise it was a fallible idea to start an enterprise, let alone put out on the market for investors. then we have the angel investors. i have had mine. the eventual venture capitalist who is willing to see you through the risks. but now conditions have it that after a failing idea and immense effort you are still the startup that sank.

this essentially can be extrapolated to a few ventures in my life, never yet in the realm of business. i have learnt as every entrepreneur the pitfalls and the agony of seeing an idea fail. yet it leaves me unfazed. i am not sure when the next vc will fund the next fledgling, but i am better prepared. it will certainly face similar uncertainties and may even fail but yet again i am willing to accept it.